So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
