Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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