i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We have started to decorate penises.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
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