A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
