So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
