Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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