I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
