is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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