dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
How many fucks given?
0.12846
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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