I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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