Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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