Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
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