If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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