Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
