These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize
