when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Randomize
