I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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