bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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