How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
