last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
there is puke in my bra ... again
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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