Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
