I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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