Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
