Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
