i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
