Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
