Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
