God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
