half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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