I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
