so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
