sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
