so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
and she was petting her beer can
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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