it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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