He kissed a someone with a penis
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
