I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
