my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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