Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
