There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
