I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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