you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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