Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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