Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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