Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
