what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
