I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Drunk is not a location!
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
