i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
