U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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