Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
