last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
