I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
